Home, imbued with infinite longing, is a place that haunts every traveler. The deepest and most devoted human feelings often stem from family. However, I lost my way home, as I was wholeheartedly yearning for the “kingdom of God's world”.
Misfortunes keep coming, loved ones keep leaving
My name is Yu Xiaomei (a pseudonym), I am 59 years old and from Shaoguan, Guangdong Province. As the youngest daughter in my family, with my brother and sister being much older than me, I grew up showered with attention and love from my family members. After marrying my husband, I gave birth to a son and led a fulfilling life. However, my blissful existence came to an abrupt halt when I entered middle age.
In 2005, my father, who had always been strong and healthy, suddenly fell ill and passed away despite rescue efforts. My old and frail mother couldn't bear the blow of losing her husband, and she also passed away due to an old illness not long after. What was even more bizarre was that in the same year, my brother and sister also passed away one after another due to illness. In order to ease my pain of losing loved ones, in the Chinese Lunar New Year of 2006, my husband and I moved into a new home that we had worked hard for. However, before the joy of moving could dilute my sorrow, my husband passed away in October 2008 due to illness. I felt like my world had collapsed. It was just me and my son, widowed and orphaned, relying on each other for survival, drifting through life without any support or direction. People around me whispered behind my back, saying that I was “cursed” and that my presence brought misfortunes, as my parents and husband were all killed by my presence. I was consumed by self-blame and grief every day, unable to break free from the haze of despair.
I join a cult to “exorcise ghosts”, only find myself in a bottomless pit
In March 2009, my niece, who had been away for many years, came to visit me and comforted me. I burst into tears in front of her. She asked me, “Do you believe in God?” I said, “Yes.” My niece told me, “If you believe in God, you must believe in the true God to protect you.” The next day, my niece brought a young man named Ah-Niu and introduced him as the leader of the Shaoguan Church branch of “Almighty God”, saying he could help me get rid of my troubles. And I was frightened when Ah-Niu told me, "All your bad luck was caused by moving into a new house." After a prayer, Ah-Niu mysteriously and solemnly claimed, “You have been possessed by Satan and demons, and you must pray every day to drive away the evil spirits and obtain peace.” In the days that followed, I was both afraid and hopeful: afraid that I had been “possessed by evil spirits”, and hopeful that Ah-Niu would arrange for people from the church to help me drive away the evil spirits.
I was quickly brought into a gathering place where people only listened to "God's words", attended sermons, and read the book "Three Stages of God’s Work". I joined these people without hesitation and followed them to believe in "Almighty God" wholeheartedly and longed for salvation. Under Ah-Niu's repeated threats, I looked around my new home, where I had only lived for three years, and increasingly felt that it resembled the “tomb” shape that Ah-Niu had mentioned. I even had the idea of escaping from it. Later, in order to facilitate the gatherings and to escape from that ominous house, I left my home and chose to rent a house outside.
May 27, 2010, was a special day for me. Encouraged by church “brothers and sisters,” I dedicated myself to the “Almighty God” cult for the first time and prepared good deeds for myself: I saved 100 yuan from my meager income to donate to the church. I was filled with joy, just like Sister Xianglin who joyfully donated her “threshold” money. Holding the receipt in my hands, I returned home with excitement. Once home, I sincerely followed the church's requirements and tore up the receipt, flushing it down the toilet. From then on, paying “donations” became a monthly task for me. As the number of payments increased, my feeling after the donation was getting more and more bland, and the excitement of the first payment disappeared. However, my life became more and more difficult. In order to fulfill my “duty,” I became a “host family,” providing food and shelter for cult members, and distributing “divine” materials. Every month, someone would come to collect my “donation,” more punctual than collecting rent. In the 10 years since joining the cult, I have lived frugally, unwilling to buy decent clothes or eat meat, dedicating all my income as a dishwasher, salesperson, and odd job worker to the “Almighty God” cult.
Unable to get rid of the cult, I choose to give up my family
In 2017, my son renovated the house, happily got married and had a child. I was going to be a grandmother! I stepped back into the home that once scared me, but instead of feeling the cold loneliness of the past, I was immersed in the warmth of family and the joy of happiness. Just as I was envisioning a beautiful life in my old age, the cult of "Almighty God" told me that all of this was a "blessing from God" and that I should repay "God's protection and favor" by devoting myself more. The cult of "Almighty God" did not spare me, a woman in her fifties, and arranged for me to go out and spread the "gospel" and recruit people into the cult. When my son and daughter-in-law found out, they patiently tried to dissuade me: “Mom, don't get caught up in superstition, we will take care of you.” But I believed it was just a test from "God", so I pretended to agree with my son and daughter-in-law's words while secretly going against them. I was just too afraid of having a peaceful life taken away from my loved ones once again. So, I wrote a "guarantee letter" to the cult of "Almighty God", made a solemn vow, and dedicated the pocket money my son gave me to "God". I left home and started a life of preaching “gospels”.
Believing in the rumor of "world doomsday", I have hurt the hearts of my children and grandchildren
In 2020, the COVID-19 pandemic broke out. I believed that the "end of the world" was imminent, and I obediently followed the will of God, praying more urgently and spreading the gospel like crazy. I thought, as long as I obeyed God, I could make the whole family safe and sound. After a long time away from home, I thought about my son, daughter-in-law, and young grandson who were the ones in most need of “salvation”. I secretly returned home, and my son and daughter-in-law were very happy to see me back. They prepared a table full of dishes for me, and my baby grandson called out "granny" in an unclear voice. When my son found out that the purpose of my return was to persuade him to join the Church of “Almighty God”, he angrily tore up my materials and said loudly to me, "Mom! What you believe in is an evil cult. It's against the law, and you'll go to jail.”
As the “God’s words” had mentioned, “Anyone who obstructs faith in God is a demon.” The moment I called my son a “demon,” he was terribly shocked. My daughter-in-law carried my frightened grandson out of the house. When I calmed down, my son knelt down in front of me and said, “Mom, we've had a tough time for over a decade. After Dad passed away, I watched your hair turn white and you become haggard. In order to lighten your burden, I relied on part-time jobs and scholarships to complete my college education. I didn't ask you for a penny when I got married. But you have never cared about me. You don't know what I like to eat, you've never asked about my exam results, and you didn't even attend my wedding. You always say that I am your only family in this world, but I feel more like an orphan. Ever since you started believing in 'Almighty God,' there has been no place for me in your heart as your son. If I had a choice, I would rather die in place of Dad, to end all the endless pain and suffering...”
There was a moment when I was almost convinced by my son. Tears kept streaming down my face, feeling guilty towards my son. I really wanted to stay at home and make up for my shortcomings as a mother. But then another voice interrupted in my heart: “Don't be swayed, this is a test from God.” In the end, I chose to leave. Without saying goodbye to my son and daughter-in-law, I left early in the morning with my belongings and returned to the cult organization. This time, because I left without permission, I was severely criticized by the cult organization. However, I secretly rejoiced, thinking that I must have passed God's “test”.
How far is the way home?
The life of a “missionary” was difficult because I knew there was always a risk of being caught. Every day, I felt like I was walking on thin ice, living in fear. Finally, our group of the “Savior’ servants” were all taken away by the police while “saving the world" and "preaching the gospel." With the help of kind-hearted people, my obsession with the cult of "Almighty God" was slowly shaken off, and I rationally reflected on how absurd my 12 years of experience had been. What I lost for a cult organization was more than just money. The irreparable harm I had brought to my son was truly a tragedy.
"Sisters" in the church once told me, since the "God" wanted to save more people, the “doomsday” had been postponed... What a thumping great lie it was! And I was the last one to see through it. COVID-19 was not an early sign of the "doomsday", but the feeling I had after losing my family was like the arrival of the "doomsday". At this moment, how I long to return home, see my son, daughter-in-law, and grandson, apologize to them, seek their forgiveness, and asking loved ones to give me another chance to be a good mother, grandmother, and mother-in-law...
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